Getting On.

"I SAID HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED VARIFOCALS, MRS H??" The nice lady in Specsavers said to me for the third time, clearly becoming irritated.  She glanced up at the poster behind her. "AND DID YOU KNOW WE ALSO DO HEARING TESTS??"  I didn't know, actually.  I'd been staring blankly at her for several minutes as she was blathering on and I could have sworn she said "My goodness, you look just like Angelina Jolie", or "I can't believe you're over 40".  But obviously she didn't.  And varifocals?  Aren't they for the over 80's?  That's just one of those words I tend to associate with the elderly, along with dentures, boiled sweets and surgical stockings.  Actually my dad swears by them (the varifocals, not the stockings).  But then again, my Dad is 78. And I'm nowhere near that.  No.  Most defnitely nowhere near it at all.

She finally convinced me to give them a go.  In fact, she also offered me a free pair and a contact lens trial.  I was totally and optically overwhelmed.  I'm sure she was starting to feel sorry for me. I went in there thinking I was getting a new pair of reading glasses, then suddenly I'm classed as elderly, practically blind and hard of hearing. Ah what the hell.  I can move with the times.  I'm up for the challenge of radical eyewear.  I've never fancied poking myself in the eyes on a daily basis and if I had a pound for every time I'd lost my reading/distance/spare/sunglasses, I'd have approximately £59.  They've taken getting used to I can tell you.  I was like a nodding dog for weeks.  People thought I was constantly agreeing with them. Which invariably I wasn't.  I had a stiff neck too.  But I'm getting used to them.  In fact they look quite stylish.  And now I only have one pair to lose instead of 4.  Which is one less thing to worry about when you can't hear the juggernaut!

Not Angelina Jolie!

They also came in handy when I recently had to go and see the specialist about my hip.  It had been niggling ever since I'd danced like a large orange twat at my 80's themed birthday party dressed as a shit Madonna (the over-rated ageing singer, not Jesus' mother - that would have been a totally different night altogether!).  I was also wearing inappropriate footwear for my age but gargantuan amounts of Jagermeisters seemed to numb the pain. The next day I couldn't walk. I'd partied like it was 1983 and now I was walking like I was 83! Sparing you the long boring bit of copious visits to the GP, I eventually got a referral to a big knob, got x-rayed and there I am, suddenly staring at my misshapen pelvis, from a distance, clear as anything.  I could have sworn he said "You've got fantastic legs".  What he actually said was "You've got osteoarthritis.  You need a hip replacement. I reckon you've got about two years".  Crikey.  I really need that hearing test.

Large orange twat

I was too speechless to ask whether 2 years was how long I had left til the replacement or whether he'd noticed that I was wearing varifocals, decided I must be at least 80 and thought I might as well just be put down. I hope not.  I've just spent a small fortune on new fricking glasses!  But maybe it's not such a bad thing.  Maybe I can choose my new hip.  Maybe I can ask for a thinner one. Like Angelina Jolie's?  

Barley sugar, anyone?

Getting On.

"I SAID HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED VARIFOCALS, MRS H??" The nice lady in Specsavers said to me for the third time, clearly becoming irritated.  She glanced up at the poster behind her. "AND DID YOU KNOW WE ALSO DO HEARING TESTS??"  I didn't know, actually.  I'd been staring blankly at her for several minutes as she was blathering on and I could have sworn she said "My goodness, you look just like Angelina Jolie", or "I can't believe you're over 40".  But obviously she didn't.  And varifocals?  Aren't they for the over 80's?  That's just one of those words I tend to associate with the elderly, along with dentures, boiled sweets and surgical stockings.  Actually my dad swears by them (the varifocals, not the stockings).  But then again, my Dad is 78. And I'm nowhere near that.  No.  Most defnitely nowhere near it at all.

She finally convinced me to give them a go.  In fact, she also offered me a free pair and a contact lens trial.  I was totally and optically overwhelmed.  I'm sure she was starting to feel sorry for me. I went in there thinking I was getting a new pair of reading glasses, then suddenly I'm classed as elderly, practically blind and hard of hearing. Ah what the hell.  I can move with the times.  I'm up for the challenge of radical eyewear.  I've never fancied poking myself in the eyes on a daily basis and if I had a pound for every time I'd lost my reading/distance/spare/sunglasses, I'd have approximately £59.  They've taken getting used to I can tell you.  I was like a nodding dog for weeks.  People thought I was constantly agreeing with them. Which invariably I wasn't.  I had a stiff neck too.  But I'm getting used to them.  In fact they look quite stylish.  And now I only have one pair to lose instead of 4.  Which is one less thing to worry about when you can't hear the juggernaut!

Not Angelina Jolie!

They also came in handy when I recently had to go and see the specialist about my hip.  It had been niggling ever since I'd danced like a large orange twat at my 80's themed birthday party dressed as a shit Madonna (the over-rated ageing singer, not Jesus' mother - that would have been a totally different night altogether!).  I was also wearing inappropriate footwear for my age but gargantuan amounts of Jagermeisters seemed to numb the pain. The next day I couldn't walk. I'd partied like it was 1983 and now I was walking like I was 83! Sparing you the long boring bit of copious visits to the GP, I eventually got a referral to a big knob, got x-rayed and there I am, suddenly staring at my misshapen pelvis, from a distance, clear as anything.  I could have sworn he said "You've got fantastic legs".  What he actually said was "You've got osteoarthritis.  You need a hip replacement. I reckon you've got about two years".  Crikey.  I really need that hearing test.

Large orange twat

I was too speechless to ask whether 2 years was how long I had left til the replacement or whether he'd noticed that I was wearing varifocals, decided I must be at least 80 and thought I might as well just be put down. I hope not.  I've just spent a small fortune on new fricking glasses!  But maybe it's not such a bad thing.  Maybe I can choose my new hip.  Maybe I can ask for a thinner one. Like Angelina Jolie's?  

Barley sugar, anyone?

A letter to the big man!

Dear God

How are you?  Good?  Splendid!  I know, I know, I don't write, I don't phone, I don't pop round for a slug of wine and a wafer like I used to before I got slung out of the Girl Guides for throwing eggs at choir boys and calling The Captain of 1st Wanstead a fat Myra Hindley!  And I am still feeling bit guilty about that incident during Midnight Mass in 1978.  I don't condone under-age drinking either but alcohol does funny thing to a young girl guide's brain. I'm pretty sure none of the dry martini and lemonade I threw up would have stained the kneelers, though.  And the crib did look lovely, even though we had a fit of the giggles because we thought the baby looked like Kojak.  I know I didn't do myself any favours as a bell ringer.  Who'd have thought front-fastening bras could cause distress to my fellow campanologists. But I know it's no excuse for not staying in touch. I don't suppose you're on Facebook?  Or Skype?  No, I thought not. Time just flies, doesn't it.  And there's always something else to do. You know how it is.  That pile of washing to do.  That bin to go out.  Those socks to darn.  Not that I've suddenly turned into a 50's housewife.  It's just better than saying I've probably over-done it on the Tia Maria and HRT.

Shame I got expelled.  That beret was rather flattering.

Anyway, talking of time, well that's really what I wanted to talk to you about.  Is there anything you can do about slowing it down a bit?   I feel like life has become one of those comedy time-lapse calendars.  I'm sure I've only just left school.  And now this year's birthday has come round much quicker than expected and I'm somewhat unprepared emotionally.  Yes it's that birthday.  The one with the big numbers in it that you used to think was really old when you were a child! I know there's the obvious way of staving it off but I'm not quite ready for a face-to-face yet.  For a start, I'm dreading those stairs.  My knees are ruined.  Years of  trying to attempt step classes and wearing unsuitable footwear, no doubt! And white so doesn't suit me unless I've got a tan.  And don't even think about getting me to learn the harp.  I may be a grade 8 cellist (with merit) but that was only 4 strings!!  Old dog, new tricks, etc.

You see, I've still got some unfinished business here.  I'd like to see my kids get married and have children.  And then I'd like to go round to their house, pretend I'm deaf, leave my knickers on their bathroom floor and at least 3 pairs of shoes positioned to cause maximum injury. It would be a shame for them to miss out on that!  Before they have me institutionalised!

 I'd also like to see a bit more of the world that doesn't start and end with 2 hours on an easyjet flight with the obligatory screaming baby and the complimentary tea/coffee (and I don't mean either/or.  I can't often tell which one it is).  But there's countries I'd love to visit and seas I'd like to sail.  I want to sit on remote beaches and explore interesting cities.  I'm not looking to do anything overly stressful. I don't want to go backpacking across India or paddle a canoe to reach remote Amazonian tribes (mainly because they never seem to wear any clothes and I never know where to look.  Some of those poor women really do need a good supportive bra).  Plus there's nowhere to plug in a hairdryer.  Neither do I particularly want to hang out with Polar bears and penguins. I've been ski-ing and I couldn't be doing with an endless runny nose and unflattering outerwear.  I just want some time to look out of the window of my 5 star hotel and wonder at the world.  I mean, if you went to the bother of creating it, I think the least I should do is have a look round.  I just seem to have run out of time.  Again!

Talking of time, I must dash.  These nails won't paint themselves you know.  But maybe have a think. And if you do get any bright ideas - tweet me?